The neighbors are starting to blow stuff up in their driveways. The 4th of July must be right around the corner. I really hate people blowing stuff up in their driveways. A couple years back, one of the dads in the neighborhood nearly beat up another dad in the neighborhood when that other dad, several beers into the night, managed to burn the first kids 4 year old son with a firecracker. Oops.

So, I’m here to give you some alternatives to front yard pyrotechnics. First, invite over your buddies. Then drink the warm up beers. Then instead of grabbing for the fireworks that you bought from the Wal-Mart clearance bin, try one of the following activities instead.

  • Watch a documentary. Something with penguins would be nice.
  • Discuss the conflicts of being a responsible father and a responsible worker.
  • Try some fondue cooking.

Just kidding, it’s the 4th. We need to make some noise, have some fun. Plus the probability of severe burns is probably just as high with the fondue anyway.

5 Things You Could Do Instead Of Blowing Up Stuff In Your Driveway

  1. Bang on the garage door. Our son loves to smack the garage door. It is really loud. If you really wailed on it, you would probably go deaf for a while. It would be like throwing a firecracker into a garbage can and then putting your head inside the can to listen to the explosion. Extreme!
  2. Fly a kite covered with that glow paint stuff they use to make the moon and star stickers. It will give you something bright to look at up in the sky. You will still be able to drink your beer. As an added bonus, somebody will probably still get hurt when they climb into the tree to retrieve the kite after drinking too many of the beers.
  3. Boom sticks. If you take them into a sporting event, I will call security if I can’t reach you to pop them with a pin. If you want to use them instead of exploding stuff around the 4th of July, I will join the crowd and Tomahawk Chop the night away.
  4. Ask your neighbors if you can sneak into their kids’/pets’ rooms after they are asleep, creep up to their bed, AND YELL REALLY LOUD! After all, isn’t keeping the kids and pets awake and terrified all night most of the fun of setting off fireworks in your front yard anyway?
  5. Watch fireworks on your giant HDTV with surround sound. That’s probably even better than the real thing anyway and you will not end up getting eating by mosquitos. It doesn’t get more American than watching on outdoor event on television.

Here’s wishing you all a safe 4th of July…or 4th of July week…or however long people like to blow things up these days.