I’ve written this post at least 4 times in the last week. I have changed my mind nearly as many times during that time frame because of some changes that Pookie has been going through and some realizations about how little I know about some things and how much I have learned about others. I’ve come up with tons of reasons, valid and otherwise, for not writing this post and finally told myself that I’m not allowed to write any other posts until this one is posted.
Let’s start with a few of my ground rules for disciplining a child with autism.
Never hit a kid with autism. Spanking may be okay for some parents and kids, but I can’t imagine it working positively with a kid with autism. I can’t imagine ever spanking Pookie and then realizing that he just didn’t understand what I was trying to get him to do because of some internal monologue or sensory overload he was going through. He would end up scared and confused and I would feel like a piece of crap and Pookie would not be better prepared to handle the situation in the future. So no hitting.
Avoid yelling at a kid with autism. Sometimes you will have to raise your voice to be heard over his yelling but really, really try to focus on not raising your temper with your voice. It doesn’t ever seem to help and if sensory overload is part of the problem, yelling is not going to help that situation.
Don’t send them to their room as a punishment. The room will quickly become a calm, isolated place that they will do bad things to get to when an environment gets uncomfortable.
So, what is a parent to do when their autistic child goes through the Terrible Twos?
Pookie has been going through the Terrible Twos over the last few weeks. He’s pushing boundaries. He’s asking for things and then getting mad when he can’t have them. He’s walking away in public when we are not going in the direction he wants to go. He might be 4 1/2 but he is going through the Terrible Twos.
I have found 2 things have been working very well for me. I’ve actually used both of them on two typically developing boys in the last week with great success.
Sit Them Down. Make them sit down. Immediately. Right where they are.
Make Them Talk. Make them tell you what they did wrong and what they need to stop doing.
Let me say that Pookie is extremely well behaved most of the time. Even on his worst days, he spends most of the day causing no trouble. I’m not sure why I feel I need to say that, but it makes me feel better to say.
Most of the time when he gets in trouble, he yells. Loudly. He also will either try to walk away or try to keep doing what he was doing when he got in trouble.
Sitting him down forces him to not do either. He has to stay and deal with the situation. After a few days, it seemed to click. It’s not really a time out because he doesn’t get to get away from anything.
But, the real magic with Pookie, and the other kids I’ve done this to, is making them talk. I ask him what he did. If he can’t tell me, I’ll tell him what I am expecting to hear. I continue to ask and repeat until he tells me.
Then, I make him say that he is going to stop. Something like “No more walking away” or “No more watching TV” or “No more yelling” is all it takes.
As soon as the yelling is done, he can stand up and go about his day. If he decides to start yelling or do something naughty, I make him sit back down and we start all over again.
The first couple days it would often take a handful of minutes to calm down if any screaming was involved. These days, it is common for the whole routine to take less than a minute and not have any more problems.
I’m sure there is some magic with dealing with the situation right when and where it happens and making him acknowledge it with words. I’m just happy that it has been working well for the last couple weeks and don’t want to jinx it by thinking about it too much.
There. The discipline post is finally done. That was a lot harder than I expected it to be. It’s hard to talk about bad behavior from a kid that behaves so well most of the time.
Tomorrow we are going to talk about echolalia which is probably the thing that has most fascinated and frustrated me about raising an autistic child. For a full list of everything planned for this series on autism, the topics and links for the post already written can be found on the intro post.
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I must say it’s a great post! Not only good for autism, I believe they work for normal kids as well…Thanks for the post.
What an invaluable tool for parents of Autistic children. Good job!
Thank you for submitting this post to the Carnival of Family Life. It will be included in the July 30th edition at An Island Life.
to make comments or a diagnosis on this epidemic can’t be uniform. A child with autism is different from another child with autism. You can’t say that one treatment or plan will work for all kids. My child doesn’t talk so outburst are a regular. Sitting them down to talk can’t work for me. Sign language is at a minimum. The bedroom for an outburst is used by therapist because he is being overloaded and needs time to calm. So not every plan will meet every child’s needs. The plan has to conform to the child. Thanks for your concerns and interest.
Bob,
You are right to say that no one plan will work for everybody. These are things that have worked for us. Hopefully they will be of use for some other family.
Thanks for stopping by.
As with other things, there’s no such thing as one size fits all solution. We have to do trial and error to find what works for us.
As a parent of 9 yr. old son with Autism, I have to agree with most of your post. However, I do have to disagree with one aspect of it…spanking. A spanking works for our son as he does not respond to puishments such as “time-out” or “talkings”. We do explain why he is getting a spanking, then spank him and it is over. The other “punishment” that works for him is being sent to his room to “calm down” if he is having a tantrum or obession.
Keep in mind that what works for one child with Autism does not neccessarily work for all kids with Autism. We have just found out over the years what works and does not work for our son. Thanks again for the great post.
thank you for this post!
My husband currently is fighting with me about spanking our autistic child, who is 3-1/2. He was spanked, so he thinks that’s what you do. He refuses to take the autism into account. He just assumes our son is being “bad.” I am sending this post to him. Maybe it will knock some sense into him.
Does this actually work though? Everyone says don’t spank and whatever, and I just don’t think the positive reinforcement only works.
The important thing to factor in is whether the kid being negatively reinforced (spanking/yelling/whatever) is capable of making the connection between the discipline and the act that caused the reaction. Most young kids with autism probably are going to have trouble with that which will add to their confusion and frustration which will probably spiral the behavior into worse directions.
Another important thing to me is that negative reinforcement is rarely about teaching the kid something if it happens at the moment of the incident. I know that whenever I get frustrated and raise my voice or put toys in timeout or whatever that it is almost always me just flailing while my brain tries to process what is going on. If I can keep myself calm for a couple minutes my response is always more sound and always more calm and less negative and more appropriate for teaching the kids what they shouldn’t have been doing.