Am I a worse parent than Britney Spears?

by beagooddad on September 13, 2006

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Okay.  Britney Spears is a bad parent. Right?  That’s what I heard on TV the other day anyway.  Let’s take a closer look, though.  Maybe I’m worse.

Here are some of the big things that I remember hearing Mrs. Spears doing.

  • She almost dropped her baby.  Okay, this is a weak one.  But it got a lot of press.  I saw the video of her bobbling little Sean Preston.  My heart fluttered.  But who hasn’t done this.  When Pookie was just a few months old, I was carrying him down the stairs.  He arched backwards and I nearly dropped the bugger.  It took every ounce of power in my skinny little arms to pull him back to my chest.  And, I bet I jarred his head and neck a little bit.  If that hasn’t happened to you, you should try holding your kid once in a while.
  • Sean fell from high chair.  Okay, this one allegedly is her nanny’s fault, but since she hired the nanny, we’ll say that some of that responsibility falls on Britney.  When the kids were about six months old, I unstrapped Geetle from her high chair and for some reason thought me and Beagoodmom were swapping kids.  So, I moved over to Pookie.  Beagoodmom was not swapping.  Geetle fell face first onto the hardwood floor.  She hesitated and then started screaming.  I’m not sure but I think she might have yelled, “Where are the f’in paparazzi when I need them?  Somebody call DCFS!”
  • Ah, but Britney has driven with her bundle of joy in her lap.  Beat that.  Well, I’ve never driven with the kids on my lap, but I have driven several times only to realize further down the road that I forgot to buckle one of them in.  And, it is not an isolated event.  I’ve probably done it close to 10 times in the last 3 1/2 years.  Fortunately, Geetle knows better and has started to tell me when I forget to buckle one of them in.  Don’t worry Britney, Sean will help you raise him and your daughter soon enough.
  • Little Sean is always in front of a camera looking super fly and happy.  His first words are going to be “Yo, get my good side, beyotch.”  Some people have accused Britney of having the junior stud as a way of getting good PR.  I don’t buy it.  I don’t buy it at all.  Britney Spears does not think that far ahead.  Sean is all about the good ol’ fashion accident.  Or maybe she just wanted a baby, that crazy psycho.  Besides, I’m sure that Beagoodmom has taken more pictures of our kids over the last 3 1/2 years than Sean will be exposed to in his entire lifetime.  And, if as a father, I realize that having kids makes family gatherings so much easier, does that mean that my kids are a publicity stunt?

These are just I few things that I have done that are comparable to some of Britney’s sins of parenting.  I also once was holding both kids while lying on the couch when they were less than 2 months old.  I put Geetle on the ground so I could stand up.  I tried to stand while still carrying Pookie and stepped on Geetle’s arm.  She cried and still holds it against me some times.  Another time, at 3 in the morning, I tried to poison Pookie by mixing his formula with twice as much powder as recommended.  Even at 1 month old, he gave me that “You suck, Dad” look.

So, next time you read about something stupid that Britney has done, try to imagine what the paparazzi would find if they followed you around all day.  And, I will say this for Britney, I have never put my foot down and told Beagoodmom that she has to get rid of the sharks.

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